


The Things You Say

by nightchandac



Series: Amatus, pls [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Smut, Trespasser - Freeform, Trespasser Spoilers, eventually?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightchandac/pseuds/nightchandac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short responses to the 'Things You Said...' tumblr prompt meme, ranging from 100-500 words each.  Or longer...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things you said at 1am

“That thing…with your lips,” Dorian murmured against Nicos’s chest, voice hoarse with exhaustion.

“Hm?”  Nicos kissed the top of the mage’s head and smoothed his hand over his hair.

“When you’re nervous.”

“Ah,” Nicos said, understanding.  “Biting them.”

Dorian nodded, so slowly Nicos wasn’t even sure the man was actually awake anymore.

“You were doing it tonight.”

Nicos looked away, his gaze drifting towards his desk, teeth worrying his bottom lip again.  “Don’t worry about it,” he whispered.

Dorian shifted against him, arms tightening around him before he drifted off.  “I worry about you, amatus,” he muttered almost inaudibly, as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

Nicos held his breath.  It had been a while since he’d studied languages, but he remembered enough to have the word catch him off guard.  _Amatus_.

Shit.


	2. Things you said through your teeth

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nicos could feel the hurt rolling off Dorian as a physical punch to the gut.  Instinctively, he clenched his left hand into a fist.  “I’m sorry…” he paused in the middle of the pathway, his back to everyone.  The power building in the mark was becoming more painful and he’d have to discharge it again soon.

Dorian came closer, reaching out to rest a hand on Nicos’s shoulder, but pulled his hand back when the man began walking again.  “Amatus—”

A pained gasp interrupted him and Nicos was once again doubled over, clutching his arm to his chest, green sparks from the Anchor glowing brighter and brighter.  “Back up, _everyone back up_ ,” he yelled, waving them back as he raised his hand.

Dorian, Varric, and Bull backed away, shielding their eyes from the increasing brightness.  The air crackled around them, the sound only interrupted by Nicos’s heart-wrenching scream as he was blasted back by the power of the discharge.

The second the air stilled, Dorian raced over to Nicos as he struggled to his feet.  He was panting heavily, the shaky breaths causing Dorian to force the man to sit back down.  As he examined Nicos, checking for any injuries, he noticed the glowing green lines spreading into his neck and up along his jawline.  He ran his thumb over them before tilting Nicos’s face up to meet his gaze.  “ _Why didn’t you tell me?_ ” he repeated through clenched teeth.

“I—” Nicos stopped and looked away.  “I’m sorry, Dorian.  Whatever happens…”  He turned back to look up at Dorian, tears welling in his eyes.  “I love you.”

Dorian let out a strangled laugh, letting it slip past his resolve.  “I always knew you’d break my heart, you bloody bastard.”


	3. Things you said too quietly

Dorian was muttering under his breath again.  He flipped furiously through the pages of whatever giant book was keeping his attention recently, the crinkle in his nose the only sign he was upset about something. 

Nicos sighed and slowly pushed himself up in his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  “Dorian?”

Dorian’s head snapped up and sagged in relief, his face finally relaxing as he made his way over to Nicos’s side. 

“What’s wrong?” Nicos asked, surprised at how much speaking actually hurt.  He was glad when Dorian handed him water.

“The man takes a dagger to the stomach, is unconscious for three days, and has the audacity to ask someone else what’s wrong,” Dorian replied with a small smile.  “How are you feeling?”

Nicos looked at him, confused.  He didn’t remember anything like that… “Wait, what?  What happened?”

“You really don’t remember?  _Kaffas_ , they really did a number on you…I told them too many potions…” he trailed off, muttering again.

Nicos felt his concentration waning as he tried to make out what Dorian was saying.    He lay back down, allowing himself to be tucked in.  As he drifted off to sleep once more, he thought he heard Dorian say something about the Maker… _to_ the Maker? 

Shit, he was praying for him.


	4. Things you didn't say at all

It was when he handed him healing potions after fighting those stupid bears he’d gotten too close to.

It was when he rubbed soothing circles between his shoulders after a trying day.

It was when he cast barriers on him when he got too reckless.

It was when he saved him a seat in the tavern when a meeting went a little too late.

It was when he sat beside him while he cried after learning about his brother’s fate.

It was when he made sure no one saw how he’d fallen apart after Adamant.

It was when he ‘accidentally’ spilled wine on the letter from his parents, making it unreadable.

It was when he used ice magic to soothe away his headaches.

It was the little things that spoke the loudest.

His silent ‘I love you’.


	5. Things you said under the stars and in the grass

“Why, exactly, are we out here, amatus?  It’s freezing.”  Dorian scooted closer to Nicos, trying to pull more blanket over his shoulders.

Nicos laughed and shook his head.  “Oh, come on.  It’s nice!”

Dorian scoffed.  “You call sitting in wet grass at night _nice?_   What sort of southern—” He was interrupted by Nicos pressing his lips against his lightly. 

“It’s not _just_ nice.  It’s also _romantic_ ,” he said, lowering his voice and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Dorian groaned and swatted him away.  “You are insufferable.”

“Yes, insufferably sentimental, as you keep mentioning.  If you’re really uncomfortable, I suppose we could just turn in…” he said in mock defeat, pouting dramatically.

“Enough with the puppy eyes, amatus.  I think we all know you’re more dangerous with those than you are with that blighted Anchor,” Dorian teased.  “All right, you win.  It’s a _little_ romantic.”

Nicos beamed a toothy grin at him, his bright blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.  In one motion he was straddling the mage and had his hands on either side of his face, lips crushed together.  They parted, panting lightly and Nicos was gently pushing Dorian to lie back in the grass.  He kissed along the mage’s jawline and down his neck, nipping lightly at his pulse point hard enough that Dorian gasped. 

“Careful, Dorian.  Sera and Bull are just up the hill.  Don’t want to get too _loud_.” Nicos teased as he continued to kiss along the man’s throat, hands wandering over his shoulders and slowly down until his hand gently brushed between Dorian’s legs.  He was met with a loud moan which was immediately followed by a smack on his head.  “ _Hey!_ ”

Dorian, nearly flushed and panting, frowned at him.  “You play dirty.  I thought we agreed _not_ to do this outside?”

Nicos smiled.  “No one said anything about teasing.”

Dorian rolled his eyes and pushed Nicos up off him.  “You’re taking too much after me, amatus.  As flattering as that is, I really am freezing.”

Nicos sighed in defeat.  “Okay, fine.  Let’s go back to camp, then.”

Dorian shook his head, pulling Nicos to sit next to him again and wrapped the blanket around both of their shoulders.  “Just a little longer.”


	6. Things you said when you were crying

Nicos woke to the bed shifting, a draft sneaking up beneath the moving blanket.  As his eyes adjusted to the dim pre-dawn light, he saw a shape sitting at the edge of the bed.

“Dorian?” he whispered.

The figure stiffened at his voice.  “Go back to sleep, amatus.  I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Nicos rolled his eyes at the tired phrase.  “What’s wrong?” he asked as he sat up.

Dorian waved him off.  “Nothing; I’m fine.  Just go back to sleep.”  He would’ve been convincing if his voice hadn’t caught and he inhaled sharply. 

Nicos drew his brows together in concern and moved to sit beside him, a hand resting reassuringly on the other man’s bouncing knee.  “Tell me.”  The command was soft, endearing, and he hoped that his sincerity would be enough for Dorian to open up.

There was a moment of hesitation as Dorian contemplated, but a sob escaped his composure and he buried his face in his hands. 

Nicos wrapped Dorian close, tucking his head beneath his chin, against his chest, arms holding him tightly as he let him ride it out.  Nicos was used to nightmares, especially after he got the mark.  He was used to being overwhelmed at the world, the _real_ world where his nightmare didn’t happen.  He was used to the fear.

“I’m sorry, forgive me.  That’s…I didn’t mean to…”

Nicos shushed him, reassuring him that everything was fine.  “Are you all right?”

Dorian pushed himself away, wiping his eyes and running a hand through his sleep-mussed hair.  He took several deep breaths and finally nodded. 

Once again, Nicos rested a reassuring hand on his knee.  “Please, Dorian, talk to me.”

Still shaky, as if on the verge of breaking down again, Dorian began to speak.  “It was just…everything.  Every fear of how I could lose you, one after the other.  Over and over…  I kept running and it would just be scenes of…that.  I couldn’t stop it, ever.”  He was crying again, this time trying to hold it back.

“I’m right here, Dorian.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Dorian shook his head.  “Don’t.  Don’t do that.  You say that and…” he paused, sighing shakily.  “I’ve almost lost you so many times.  I don’t know if I can handle it again.”

Nicos looked at him, confused.  “I don’t understand,” he said, leaving a heavy silence between them as he waited for Dorian to explain himself, but the man stayed quiet.  “Dorian, everything is up in the air right now.  Everything is uncertain.  But there’s one thing I can assure you.  I’m here.  Right now.  Always.  For you.”

There was a choked sob and Nicos felt bad for making Dorian cry again, but he had to say something to ease his fears.  Neither of them were used to the possibility of a steady, real relationship with hope of _more_.  That knowledge scared them both, but Nicos was prepared to work through whatever hesitation there was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, did I struggle with this one. I hope it's all right...


	7. Things you said when I was crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one got away from me and took on a life of its own. I was trying to keep these drabbles between 100-500 words but this one clocks in at 630 and I had to force myself to stop before it became a story on its own. *cough* this might actually be based on a longer WIP *cough*

Nicos sat on the battlements, huddled in a hidden corner at the top of a turret he knew often went overlooked by patrols.  His chest tightened with labored breaths as he tried to recover from his escape.

Cassandra and Cullen had been asking him for more information on what had happened in the Fade at Adamant, pressing and pressing for more information, anything that might help them in their ultimate goal.  Eventually his anxiety took over and he’d simply sprinted away, practically bursting from the tavern into the night like a ram.

And he ran.  He just kept running.  Running and running with no destination but _away_ until he finally couldn’t bring his legs to work anymore.  He collapsed in a heap and curled in on himself, sobbing and beating himself up with whatever energy he had left.

After what felt like eons, a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around him and held him tight.  Of course Dorian would find him like this, a pathetic blubbering mess.  The mage said nothing, but Nicos could feel his worry rolling off him in waves.  He’d told Dorian mostly how he felt about the revelations in the Fade, how nightmarish it had been and how helpless and _stupid_ he felt.

Once he’d calmed down, Dorian adjusted them so they sat more comfortably with their backs against the low stone walls.  “Got it out of your system?” he asked, his tone light.

Nicos didn’t respond.  He was afraid he’d never get it out of his system.  When he kept his silence for too long, Dorian tried again.

“I can’t actually read minds, you know.”

Nicos sighed and shifted against him.  “Oh?  I thought you were a powerful mage,” he managed weakly, trying to sound amused though his voice was hoarse and quiet.

Dorian chuckled.  “Oh!  You wound me!” he joked.  Hooking a finger under Nicos’s chin, he tilted his face up to meet his gaze, grey eyes boring into Nicos’s brilliant blue ones.  “Are you all right?”

Nicos wanted to look away, wanted to stop seeing concern in the man’s face every time he looked at him.  He wanted him to stop worrying about him.  So he nodded and his eyes darted away for a split second before looking back at him, hoping Dorian hadn’t caught the motion.  Of course he had.

“Please don’t lie.  Not about this.  I want to help, amatus.  Clearly something about the experience—”

“I’m a mistake,” Nicos blurted, if only to get Dorian off his back about it, but the words kept coming.  “Alexius was right.  _Corypheus_ was right.  Everything I am right now is a mistake.  I got fucking _lost_.  I’m such an idiot…  I thought…for once, it was nice to think I was special.  I don’t know about all this Maker or Andraste business, if there’s someone bigger watching over us, but it was nice to think if there was, they thought I was special enough…  But…  I got lost and stumbled across that ritual and grabbed the orb and… _fuck_.  I’m a mistake.”

Dorian looked at him sternly, wiping the tears falling down his face again with his thumb.  “Now, that’s enough of that.  You’re no more a mistake than I am a _moderately_ handsome man.  You’ve taken what life has thrown at you, what we’ve all thrown at you, and done something amazing with it.  You’re changing the world, trying to make it better.  I, for one, am very proud of you.  Now, come.  Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Nicos nodded and allowed Dorian to help him up.  When they were both standing, Nicos wrapped the man in a tight embrace, feeling him tense in his arms at the sudden movement but relaxing and returning the action.  “Thank you,” he muttered into Dorian’s chest and felt him sigh.


	8. Things you said that made me feel like shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: you can find me on tumblr at [pathfindersbutt](http://pathfindersbutt.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also, another fun fact: Nicos looks like this:  
> 

“It was just a question, Dorian.  I’m not going to run off and become a blood mage now.  Everything I’ve heard of blood magic is bad, and mostly comes from _you_ , so I wanted a different perspective.  That’s all.” Nicos was explaining.

“Did you perhaps not think that everything you’ve heard was for good reason?” Dorian was nearly shouting, struggling to hold back his anger, his hurt.  “It’s not something for you to try to understand.”

Nicos took a step back.  “I was just _curious_.  It was purely academic!”  Now it was Nicos’s turn to raise his voice.  He knew it wasn’t wise to fight in the rotunda, but he couldn’t help himself.

Dorian scoffed.  “Blood magic is not ‘purely academic’.  You don’t even understand _simple_ magic!”  He threw his hands in the air as he spoke.

“Then why are you so concerned?  Maker, Dorian!  I’m not an idiot!”  Tears began to sting in Nicos’s eyes.  He was never good at arguing with anyone, let alone someone he loved. 

“No, you’re a brainless thug.  What would an archer need to know about blood magic?”  Dorian crossed his arms over his chest, staring intently at the man in front of him as if he’d been betrayed.

Nicos felt the air leave his lungs as his jaw dropped.  “ _A brainless thug?_   I was _just curious_ , Dorian.”  He let his hurt lace each word as he spoke them slowly. 

Dorian waved him off.  “I’m not having another circular argument with you,” he stated simply, dismissing him.

“So that’s it?  You insult my intelligence and I’m free to go?  Why not break into your arsenal?  I know you’ve got a few more insults in that big head of yours.”

“Oh, _plenty_ ,” Dorian replied, acid dripping from his words. 

“Inquisitor?  There is a report that needs your attention,” Leliana said from behind him, her voice stern.

Nicos paused, staring at Dorian as he fought tears, his nostrils flaring and his jaw clenched tight.  “Of course,” he replied, answering Leliana but pointing the response at Dorian.  He spun quickly and followed her upstairs.

 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

Nicos had lost track of how long he’d been pacing in his quarters.  He was anxious and antsy, but he knew if he left he’d run into someone, hear some muttering of his argument, rumors flying and people asking for clarification.  He couldn’t handle that right now.

 _A brainless thug_.  That was low, even for Dorian.  He knew that Nicos had spent many years as a mercenary and would often tease him about it, though it made Nicos uncomfortable for it to be brought up in public.  But to use that as an insult?  It hurt.  Had Dorian forgotten he was also nobility?  That for fifteen years, he was a tried and true Trevelyan? 

He was startled from his thoughts when he heard footsteps on the stairs.  He waited for whoever it was to ascend, hoping it wasn’t Dorian.

Of course it was Dorian.

Nicos gave him a look of disgust and turned away.  “Get out.”

He heard Dorian pause briefly, but he was walking toward him again, a little slower this time.  “Amatus, please.”

Nicos clenched his jaw, fighting the anger he felt rising again.  “I don’t want to talk to you.  Go away.”

Dorian was at his shoulder now, placing a gentle hand on it.  “Please…Nicos, look at me.”

Taking a deep breath in the hopes of steadying himself, Nicos turned.  “What do you want?” he asked harshly, injecting his words with his anger.

“To apologize, for one.”  He backed away, letting Nicos have some space before continuing.  “And to make it up to you.”

Nicos shook his head and sat at the edge of his bed, waiting for Dorian to take a seat next to him.  They were silent for a long moment, neither one wanting to start the conversation.

Finally, Dorian began.  “Blood magic is a…touchy subject.  When I heard you and Solas talking about it so casually, and that man’s opinion on it…  I’m sorry for snapping at you.  It was unfair.”

Nicos sighed, hanging his head.  “I understand where the anger is coming from, trust me.  That was the whole reason I went to Solas in the first place.  I never meant to upset you.  I really was just curious,” he explained and looked over at Dorian.  “I’m glad Leliana stepped in…” He smiled sheepishly.

Dorian chuckled.  “Oh?  Were you going to hit me?” he asked, his tone light.

“After your insult, I was close to that.”  He’d only been half-joking and he winced when Dorian, observant as always, caught the underlying hurt still needing to be smoothed out.

“Ah, yes.  That.  I do apologize for that as well.  I’m apparently very cruel when I’m angry.”

An awkward silence hung over them, neither knowing what else to say.  Nicos wanted to forgive him, he really did, but it wasn’t the first time Dorian had insulted his intelligence or made a snide comment about his past.  He knew it was mostly in jest, but when they became upset with each other Dorian’s elitism tended to rear its ugly head.  Neither of them was very good at handling anger and Nicos let far too many things, even as small as an insult blurted in anger, get to him.

Finally, he sighed.  “I think you forget that I wasn’t actually raised in the woods.  I…I’m a Trevelyan.  Nobility.  I’ve actually had a decent education…  Even for a _southerner_ ,” he added, gently nudging Dorian with his shoulder.

Dorian’s smile wavered.  “I know, amatus.  I’m an ass for bringing things like that up just to hurt you…” he shook his head.  “Maker, when I say it out loud it sounds even worse.”

Nicos decided he’d had enough wallowing in self-pity for the day.  He quickly turned and kissed Dorian, letting the remainder of his quickly-dissipating frustration out.  He smiled when they parted, a mischievous grin showing his teeth.  Dorian raised his eyebrows in question and moved back to let the other man get more comfortable.

“I’ll say one thing,” Nicos said as he worked to remove his shirt.  “If there’s anyone to blame for this whole mess, it’s Solas.  I’m certain he made sure you’d hear us talking.”

Dorian sighed as he helped Nicos undo the many buckles and clasps on his own top.  “You’re ruining the mood, amatus.  Shut up.”

Nicos chuckled and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, and I thought the last one got too long. Whoops...


	9. Things you said when you were drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice and short. Sorry.

“I learned something about you tonight,” Dorian was saying as Nicos shouldered his weight.

“Did you now?” Nicos said with a grunt as he tried to open the tavern door while also making sure his very heavy, very _drunk_ boyfriend didn’t fall.

Dorian hummed in reply as he was led rather gracelessly to Nicos’s quarters.  “Your sister is very talkative when she’s drunk,” he said.

Nicos felt his stomach drop.  There were many things Nicos was trying to keep secret—not just from Dorian, but from everyone.  Things about his past that hurt too much to think about.  Having a ‘very talkative’ sister in the Inquisition, one who preferred the company of a very loud elf who didn’t know how to keep anything to herself didn’t exactly make keeping secrets easy.

“Oh?  What did she tell you?  Have you finally learned the Trevelyan family secret?” He asked lightly, hoping in all honesty that it was as innocent as that—which, of course, he’d just made up.

Dorian chuckled, the low sound almost pouring out from him.  “There’s just the one?”

A small, nervous laugh escaped Nicos as he hauled Dorian upstairs.  Their steps were heavy as Dorian nearly lost his clumsy footing more than once.  Nicos was surprised the man was still conscious; he’d never seen him quite this drunk before.

Nicos dropped him into bed with a sigh, rolling his shoulders to relieve the tension.  He began trying to remove Dorian’s boots but he couldn’t figure out which buckles were decorative and which were not, so he settled for throwing a blanket over him. 

“I like it, by th’ way,” Dorian slurred quietly as Nicos made his way to leave. 

“Like…what?” Nicos asked, hoping his nervousness didn’t come through.

“Antony.  Sounds nice.”  Dorian was smiling, burying his head a little more into the pillow.

Nicos practically sagged in relief.  “Oh…well, thank you, I suppose,” he replied slowly.  “Just…get some sleep, Dorian.”

Dorian mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘ _Nicos Antony Trevelyan_ ’ and Nicos sighed as he closed the door lightly behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard for me and I don't really know why...I hope it's decent lol


	10. Things you said when you thought I was asleep

Nicos was warm.  It was nice, after their extended stay in Emprise du Lion.  Dorian’s arms were around him and he all but nuzzled into the mage’s chest.  He was drifting between sleep and awake, his breathing steady and slow, letting the steady rise and fall of Dorian’s chest lull him.

Suddenly there was hot breath behind his ear.  He could tell Dorian was speaking but he couldn’t make himself focus on what was being said.  It felt nice.  And it happened again.  This time, he slowly pulled himself from the edge of slumber to hear what was being said.

“You’re safe. 

I’m here. 

We’re all right. 

I love you.”

Nicos felt his heart flutter and he fought against every instinct to turn and kiss Dorian. 

He would allow those whispers to remain Dorian’s secret.


	11. Things you said after you kissed me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place shortly before Trespasser

“You know, perhaps the library isn’t the best place for this…” Dorian said as Nicos pushed him roughly against a bookshelf, knocking a few books to the floor.

“You love it,” Nicos purred against his neck.

“Ah, that I do.  It just seems you have—ah!—a little more on your mind?” the mage replied as Nicos let his hands wander.

“Maybe,” Nicos said mischievously.

Dorian smiled against Nicos’s mouth and brought his hands to either side of the younger man’s face, holding him still and earning an earnest moan in response.

“You know, I don’t leave for another week,” Dorian whispered and kissed Nicos’s forehead.

Nicos sighed and backed away, looking defeated.  “I know…”

“Now, now, no pouting.  We were having fun,” he teased, pulling Nicos back to him and kissed him again.

Nicos chuckled lightly as they parted.  “ _You_ brought it up…”

“Let me apologize, then,” Dorian offered with a wicked grin.


	12. Things you said with too many miles between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Post-Trespasser  
> 2\. Nicos, when distressed/distraught/etc, is nonverbal. It's like he literally cannot find his voice.  
> 3\. He also has auditory processing disorder. He has to focus on unscrambling the sounds he hears into coherent sentences. When he's distressed/distraught/etc, it's much harder for him to do so and will use sign language to convey simple ideas should he need to speak. Other people will also use sign language to communicate with him to make it easier (his sister spent some time teaching the inner circle/advisers some helpful phrases). So the sending crystal is a little more difficult for him to use at first since he's still definitely feeling the effects of everything he learned about Solas and losing his arm and stuff.  
> 4\. The Inquisition is still a thing.

“Amatus?  Are you there?”

Nicos started at the sudden sound as his sending crystal crackled to life.  He made to reply, but his voice wouldn’t come.  Since he lost…since the Exalted Council, he’d hardly been able to say a word.  Those closest to him understood that it was his body’s response to the trauma; they’d experienced his concerning silence before. 

He sighed into the crystal to let Dorian know he was there.

“Things are going that well, then?”

Nicos huffed a short laugh.

“Good, a laugh!  I hope that was a laugh.”  He paused and when no reply came, he spoke again.  “I miss you, amatus.  It’s terribly lonely here…  Maevaris can only entertain me so much.”

Nicos hummed in response.

Dorian began speaking again but Nicos was finding it difficult to focus on his words.  He stared at the slowly turning crystal as its light pulsed with Dorian’s words.  It was odd to think about, essentially holding Dorian in the palm of his hand.  He continued to stare, his focus entirely on the crystal and started when a slender hand rested on his shoulder.

“Hi, Dorian,” Mariah said with a small smile to her brother.

“Mariah!  It’s good to hear your voice.  Have I bored our dear Inquisitor to sleep?” Dorian asked in a cheery tone.

Mariah chuckled and glanced at Nicos who shook his head and signed ‘sorry’.

“I think you might have been speaking too quickly…It’s, uh…not been easy for him here…” she answered and Nicos felt tears begin to sting his eyes.

Mariah looked apologetic.  She might’ve felt bad for telling Dorian, but she understood Nicos better than anyone.  She knew he didn’t want Dorian to know how much he’d been struggling to adapt, but she also knew how much her brother loved the man and needed his support.

“Amatus,” came Dorian’s voice.  “Would you like to call me when you’re ready?  I know you’re having a very hard time…  I’m sorry I can’t be there for you…” he said slowly, making it easier for Nicos to understand him.

Nicos sat in silence for an agonizingly long moment, fighting the rising emotions threatening to burst forth.  As he made to sign his answer for Mariah to convey, a choked sob escaped his composure.  That seemed to open the floodgates.  Mariah took the crystal from his hands and placed it next to him on his bed and she pulled him into a tight embrace as he cried.

Nicos felt as if everything he’d been holding back over the past few weeks was finally coming out and he couldn’t stop the flow of tears, feeling entirely embarrassed by his display in front of his sister and for Dorian to hear… 

When he finally settled down, he took a deep, steadying breath and picked the crystal back up.  It still glowed dimly, signaling that Dorian was still listening.  “Sorry,” he croaked, his voice hoarse from crying and disuse.

What sounded like a laugh came from the crystal and Nicos couldn’t help smiling at the sound.  “You _would_ apologize,” Dorian teased.  “Look, as much as I hate to say it, why don’t we try again tomorrow?  Take some time…” he trailed off and Nicos nodded, even knowing Dorian couldn’t see him.

“All right.  I love you,” Nicos forced himself to say.  He heard Dorian sigh on the other end.

“I love you too, amatus.  Tomorrow, then.” Dorian said with finality and the crystal went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I've got a serious case of writer's block... I couldn't really figure out how to end this one...


	13. Things you said with no space between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry for the looong delay. I hit the writer's block _way_ hard. Hopefully I'll have the creativity to post more soon :)  
>  Anyway, enjoy this one.

Nicos shivered as the biting wind picked up, blowing snow into his face.  He’d thought, however foolishly, that he could catch a break from the snowstorm and was now struggling to pull his scarf back up over his nose.  Behind him, he could hear the crunching of Dorian’s boots in the deep powder.

“Amatus, we need to find shelter for the night,” Dorian said over a gust of wind.  “We can find that village tomorrow.”

Nicos sighed, but nodded.  He paused to allow Dorian to catch up and surveyed the area.  When he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he pointed at a cave up ahead, almost on the horizon.  The hand squeezed his shoulder and they set off into the rapidly-worsening snowstorm.

By the time they reached the cave, the wind was howling, the sun was nearly set, and the snow was like blasts of needle-like ice against their numb cheeks.  On their way, they had gathered wood enough for a small fire and once an area had been cleared and the cave deemed safe enough for a night.

When Dorian was satisfied with the fire, he plopped rather gracelessly next to Nicos against the cave wall with a grunt.  Nicos chuckled as he scooted closer to the mage. 

“Hush, you,” Dorian chided as he pulled the collar of his coat up higher.  “It’s been a long day.”

Nicos draped an arm over Dorian’s shoulders and held him closer, keeping his eyes on the fire.  “Oh, I know.  Trust me.  I’m surprised you haven’t complained about the cold yet, actually,” Nicos said with a broad smile.

“Why bother?  I could easily spend my energy in other ways,” he replied and eyed Nicos over the edge of his flipped coat collar. 

Nicos responded by smothering his laugh in his scarf as he pulled it up over his mouth.

Dorian feigned disappointment.  “No?  Pity.  It would keep us plenty warm.”  He waited for Nicos to draw up his knees and wrapped his arm around them, curling into the younger man’s embrace. 

They sat like that for a while in silence as they kept their eyes on the hungry fire, still shivering despite its heat and the warmth of their embrace.

“Dorian?” Nicos mumbled as he began to drift off to sleep.

“Hm?”

“Will you still love me if all my toes freeze off?”

Nicos felt Dorian’s chuckle more than he heard it, his teeth chattering loudly.  “Go to sleep, amatus.”

Shaking his head, Nicos pulled Dorian up from his lap and stretched his legs out.  He drew Dorian in for a kiss before settling back next to him and resting his head on his shoulder.  “You didn’t answer my question.”

Dorian sighed and wrapped Nicos in his arms, squeezing gently, reassuringly.  “Of course.  Don’t get any ideas, though.  I like you when you’re all in one piece.”

Nicos hummed.  “For you, I guess I’ll try to keep _most_  of my toes.”


	14. Things you said I wish you hadn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is essentially based off one of the lines of the previous chapter.
> 
> Also, Trespasser spoilers...in case you're avoiding that.
> 
>  
> 
> Here, a nice long chapter for you :) well, long for this work anyway.

The mirror was wrong.  That had to be it.  That wasn’t really his reflection.

Staring at the image, the bandaged… _stump_ of what remained of his left arm, Nicos felt his chest tighten and his breathing quicken and he swallowed the lump forming in his throat.  He didn’t dare touch... _it_.  No, touching it would make it real.

This wasn’t real.  It couldn’t be.

Slowly, he closed his eyes against the tears threatening to spill and hung his head, feeling completely defeated.

He had to be strong.  The Inquisition still needed its leader.  Perhaps he had been selfish, refusing to disband the one thing that had become as much a part of him as he had of it.  These past few years had taken much from him, he was not about to lose something else; not when he had a say in the matter.

As he stood, reminiscing on his time as Inquisitor, his mind drifted to Dorian and he gasped at the surprising pain of the thought.  Dorian was leaving…  He’d said he wanted— _needed_ —to reform his homeland, but the more Nicos thought about it, the more he was convinced this was Dorian’s way of leaving _him_.

Now he had even more reason to leave, didn’t he?  Who would want a useless, defenseless, helpless man?  Maker, he couldn’t even hold his bow anymore…

_“I like you when you’re all in one piece_. _”_   Hadn’t that been what Dorian had said?  It may have been in jest, but as Nicos gripped his left shoulder, he couldn’t help feeling stung by the words.

He wasn’t just missing an arm, his dominant hand: he was missing what had made him _special_.  That Mark, that Anchor, that _whatever_ had propelled him into greatness and now that he was without it, he didn’t know who he was.

Suddenly, it felt as if everything was crashing around him and he cried out as he fell to his knees, curling to rest his forehead against the floor and he banged his fist against the mirror.

He felt as if he’d shattered and all he wanted to do was shatter the mirror in front of him, to make its reflection match, but as he raised his fist again, a forceful hand grabbed it and stopped him.

“Amatus, stop, _stop_ ,” Dorian commanded as Nicos fought against him.  When Dorian let go, Nicos brought his arm to shield his head, block his view of the man’s concerned expression.  Nicos tried to smother his sobs, but it was no use.  Dorian’s presence was enough to cause him to break down.

_Go away, go away, go away_ , Nicos thought at him, unable to speak the words.  It would be for the best, wouldn’t it?  Push Dorian away…he was leaving him anyway…  _Leave me alone,_ he wanted to shout.

_“I like you when you’re all in one piece.”_ Dorian’s words echoed in his head and he flinched away from the man’s touch when he’d tried to rest a reassuring hand on his back.

“Shh, it’ll be all right,” Dorian cooed softly.  “I’m right here.”

Finally, Nicos’s frustration had built up enough and he glared.  “For how long?”

Dorian seemed taken aback by the hurt in his voice and he blinked in surprise.  “What?”

Nicos pushed himself up to a sitting position and continued to glare.  “How long are you going to be _right here_?  You’re leaving…just…  Well, if you’re going to leave, then just leave.  No need to drag this all out…”

Dorian’s brow furrowed in confusion.  “Drag _what_ all out, amatus?  If you have something to say, say it.”

Great, now Dorian was angry, too.  Well, it was better if he hated Nicos.  It would be easier to leave if he hated him.  “You…you don’t want me anymore.  Why would you?  I don’t blame you.  I’m use—”

“I swear on the Maker’s ass, if you say you’re useless, I’m going to smack you.  Dammit, Nicos!  You don’t get to decide what I want.” Dorian shouted.

“But…I’m…I’m _broken_ , Dorian.  You should find someone better, someone _whole_.  Someone who can…can give you what you need…” Nicos’s voice cracked as he spoke and he felt himself blush.

“What I need is for you to stop beating yourself up.  You’re in bad enough shape as it is,” Dorian replied, a small smile teasing the corners of his lips.  He stood and helped Nicos rise before bringing him into a tight embrace.  “ _You_ are what I need, amatus.  That will never change.”  He held Nicos at arm’s length for a moment and hooked a finger under the younger man’s chin, forcing him to look him in the eye.  “You are _not_ broken and you _are_ whole.  You’ve just got a new challenge ahead of you, that’s all.”

Nicos sniffed and felt the all-too-familiar stinging in his eyes again.  “But you’re leaving…and you’re leaving me behind.  I can’t face this challenge on my own…”  He immediately felt ashamed for playing on Dorian’s guilt and he shook his head.  “Wait, I didn’t mean—”

But when he looked back up at Dorian, the man had a knowing smirk.  “I know.  But I need _you_ to know something, now.  I’m not leaving _you_ , I’m simply leaving for Tevinter.  I could never leave you.  I love you.  And no amount of guilt tripping or pushing me away will change that, you know.  I don’t love you for who you are on the outside.  I love you for _you_.  I mean, the very attractive outside is a plus, don’t get me wrong,” he offered with a genuine laugh.  “But if you think I would stop loving you because of _this_ ,” he motioned to the empty space below Nicos’s left elbow, “you are terribly, horribly mistaken, amatus.”

Nicos wasn’t crying.  No, those were definitely not sobs making his shoulders shake and those were also not tears streaming down his face.  He  rubbed his eyes defiantly and offered a pathetic huff of laughter at himself.  “I’m sorry,” he croaked and leaned into Dorian’s chest and let him hold him tightly there until he settled down.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise,” Dorian finally said, breaking the calming silence that had settled over them.  “Please, never doubt how much I really do care about you.”

Nicos sighed, a shaky breath that left him feeling like an upset child.  “I love you, too…” he managed before his brief moment of composure melted away.

Dorian took his hand and led him to the bed.  “Come, I’m sure you need rest.  And don’t worry.  I will still be here when you wake up.”


	15. Things you said when you were scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right so...it's been a while. oops. here's a 1000+ word chapter for you with some good ol' hurt/comfort. :)

Nicos had been on edge since leaving for the Deep Roads.  He’d tried to hide it, of course, but Dorian knew him too well and had taken to staying close and reassuring Nicos whenever he could.  When they slept, Nicos held Dorian tight, mumbling worriedly in his sleep.  When Dorian tried to calm him and held him instead, Nicos would be shuddering and whimpering, plagued with nightmares.

When it was time to get going, they’d be groggy and quiet, slowing and silently getting ready for the next trek on their journey to solve the mystery of the Titans.  Dorian would hand Nicos his bow, giving him a quick kiss before they all set out.  Nicos would linger as much as he could, trying to find as much comfort in Dorian’s presence as he could.

They sat at the fire in the middle of their camp, a blanket draped over both their shoulders, talking idly as they rested.  Dorian had his arm over Nicos’s shoulders, allowing him to relax against him, secretly checking him over for hidden or missed injuries.  They’d fought a lot of darkspawn today and every time Nicos leapt into the heat of battle, Dorian’s heart leapt to his throat. 

Nicos kept his eyes on the dancing fire, but every now and then he’d glance up at the ceiling above them and grit his teeth, bite his lip. 

“Care to talk about it?” Dorian prompted, squeezing Nicos’s shoulders.

“Mm.”  Nicos shrugged and shook his head, laying it back down against Dorian.  “I’m fine.”

“You never were a very good liar, amatus.”

Nicos took a shuddering breath and nestled further into Dorian’s embrace.  “Caves.  I don’t…I don’t like caves…It’s stupid…”

Dorian scoffed.  “Nonsense, that’s a perfectly common fear.  We’re getting close to solving this thing and we’ll be up and out of here in no time.  You’re all right.”

“I know…you’re right.  Of course you’re right,” Nicos replied quietly and Dorian allowed himself a little chuckle when the younger man smiled as he gently ran his fingers through his hair.

 

* * *

 

They’d done this a thousand times.  Fighting, to them, was more than second nature.  By this point, they barely thought about where they needed to be, what their next move was.  Varric and Nicos positioned themselves at the edges of the battle while Blackwall charged in head first and Dorian was stationed between them all to keep a keen eye on everything, providing support where needed and keeping extra close attention on the Inquisitor.  A small group of darkspawn had attacked and it was easy to take them down, but once the ground shook and a roar filled the air, the alarm was tangible.  Nicos and Dorian exchanged a look before the ogre showed itself and they were fighting once more.

Nicos was panting heavily, his arms and legs aching as he fired arrow after arrow and launched himself from one end of the battle to the other.  He barely heard the shout of warning before a heavy arm came from above and the ogre’s giant hand clamped around him so tightly he couldn’t breathe.  Suddenly he was in the air, the world spinning and growing dark at the edges as he was thrown about.  Almost as quickly as it all started, it was done and he was on the ground feeling as if every bone was broken and he had no blood left in his body.  No, that wasn’t right because he could feel it pouring from his nose and taste it in his mouth.  He coughed and spat, trying to move his hand to wipe under his nose but someone was holding him down.  His eyes flew open in a panic but he relaxed a little when he saw Dorian above him.

“Don’t you dare do this to me.  Don’t you _dare_ ,” he was muttering, bright healing magic glowing from his hands as he did his best to help Nicos.

“D-Dorian…”  Breathing felt like fire, speaking felt even worse.  He wanted to reassure him that he would be all right, but the look of desperation on Dorian’s face and the pain of speaking made him stop.

“Hey, kid, you’re gonna be just fine.  Just hold on while we get some potions and bandages for you, all right?”  Varric knelt by his head and rested a hand on his shoulder.  Nicos did his best to nod in reply.

 

* * *

 

The trip to their next campsite was long and painful, but once Nicos had been treated further and allowed time to rest, he started feeling much better, if sore.  He sat propped up against the cave wall, a cup of tea in his lap and Dorian seated beside him idly running his fingers over his marked hand.

“You need to be more careful.”

“I know…I’m sorry for scaring you…”

Dorian shook his head.  “I should be used to that by now.  This place has me on edge too, you know.  But that doesn’t mean I let myself get distracted in the middle of battle.”

Nicos bit his lip and his eyes stung.  “Dorian…That’s not fair.  I didn’t _let_ myself get distracted.  I made a mistake, sure, but—”

“You were too busy staring at the ceiling to notice the ogre in front of you.  Do you know what happens when you let darkspawn get the jump on you?  It’s gruesome.  And terrifying.  And I’ve already watched someone I cared for suffer from it.  Watching it happen to you would…Amatus, I…I couldn’t protect you.”  Dorian had tightened his grip on Nicos’s hand as he spoke, staring at it the whole time.

“I’m sorry.  For everything.  I’m sorry I’m so clumsy, I’m sorry I’m reckless…I’m sorry about Felix.  But it’s not your _job_ to protect me and if anything happens…if anything happens to me, it’s not your fault.  I don’t want you to blame yourself for me getting hurt.”  Nicos took his hand from Dorian’s and reached over to force Dorian to look at him.  “You’re doing so much, but you make yourself bear so many burdens.  You don’t have to.”

Tears glistened in Dorian’s eyes and he leaned into Nicos’s touch, letting him wipe away the stray tears that fell.  “You’re far too good to me.”

Nicos kissed his forehead gently.  “You’re too hard on yourself.”  When Dorian sagged against him, he tried his best to pull him closer without hurting himself.  “I love you, Dorian.”

“And I, you, amatus.  Just…promise me you’ll be more careful.”

Nicos chuckled quietly.  “I promise to try, at least.”


	16. Things you said when we were the happiest ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> takes place during Trespasser
> 
> and with art!! (by me!)

Nicos tugged at the cuff of his sleeve, fingers slipping off the blue silk.  He tried to take deep, calming breaths, but no matter how hard he tried to quiet his nerves, he could still feel his heart pounding in his chest.  He reached up to run his fingers through his hair, but Mariah’s hand clamped down onto his wrist.

“Ow, what?” He stared at her quizzically.

“Don’t you dare mess up your hair.  That took forever to tame,” she replied, staring at his slicked back hair as if searching for imperfections and ever-stubborn strands ready to stick up.

“Oh, right.  Sorry.  Just…nervous.” He bit his bottom lip as he spoke.  “I don’t know if I can do this, ‘Riah.”

She eyed him suspiciously.  “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

“No!  No, definitely not.  There’s just a lot of people and…I don’t know, what if he changes his mind?”

Mariah let out a long, slow breath.  “Nicos, he loves you.  You love him.  All those people are our _friends_.  Every single one of them is happy for you both.  It’s going to be great.”

Nicos gulped and nodded.  “But…my hand…what if…what if he decides this is…stupid?  What if he—”

“ _Stop_.  Seriously, you’ll worry yourself sick over all these ‘what ifs’.  Dorian _loves_ you.  Just go out there and be all romantic and gross and _marry the bastard_.  Worry about the Qunari threat and your hand and the Council later.  Right now, you and Dorian are all that matter, all right?”  She reached out and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly as she spoke, eyes boring into his. 

Nicos took a shaky breath and nodded again, this time silently placing his hand over his sister’s in thanks.

* * *

 

The ceremony was small, a simple gathering of friends.  Dorian and Nicos stood before everyone, hand in hand, staring lovingly at each other and Nicos found he no longer cared about the audience.  He was no longer bothered by the Exalted Council or his doubts.  The world began and ended with the man in front of him and he felt tears sting his eyes, caught up in all the emotion. 

Dorian was speaking and Nicos found he could barely focus on the words.  All that mattered was his and Dorian’s love for each other.  He clenched his jaw tight against tears that threatened to smudge his carefully applied makeup.  Mariah had worked hard to make sure he and Dorian would match and if he cried now, he’d ruin all that effort.

When it was Nicos’s turn to speak, he found himself stumbling over his words, heat rushing to his cheeks as he struggled to remember what he wanted to say and he looked down at his feet in embarrassment.  Dorian squeezed his shaking hands and he stopped to look back up at him.  Nicos could read every reassurance Dorian wanted to say by simply looking at him and he felt instantly calmer.  He chuckled to himself and leaned forward to briefly rest his forehead on Dorian’s shoulder, feeling him join in his laughter.  He pulled back and hazarded a glance at his friends, noting the loving smiles on all their faces.  ‘ _Every single one of them is happy for you both_.’  Mariah’s words echoed in his head.  She was right and he was being silly.  There was nothing to be nervous about.  Everyone here was on his side, on both his and Dorian’s side.  With a steadying breath, he nodded and continued.

When he finished, choked up and barely keeping his tears at bay, he and Dorian exchanged rings.  Nicos had made them himself, gold and black to compliment the token he’d made when he was younger that he’d given Dorian earlier in their relationship.  He’d been planning on marrying Dorian for quite some time.

Finally, they kissed; deeply, passionately, and in front of everyone.  Sera and Mariah jokingly made retching noises, and Nicos couldn’t identify where the sweet ‘aww’ came from, but he assumed by the sudden coughing that it came from Cassandra.  He felt his cheeks flush again, but this time he didn’t pull back, he simply kissed Dorian again.

Mariah ushered everyone to the other end of the small courtyard they’d managed to section off from prying eyes, letting her brother and Dorian have a little peace.  Nicos smiled and winked at her as she turned to join the party.

“Have I told you I love you, yet?”  Nicos asked, chuckling, idly playing with the new ring on his finger.

Dorian wrapped an arm around him.  “Hmm, I believe I could stand to hear it again, _husband._ ”

The smile that spread across Nicos’s face made his cheeks hurt.  “Husband.  I never thought…” he bit his lip to stop it from quivering.

“I know.  Me either, amatus.  It feels surreal,” Dorian replied.  He pulled Nicos into his arms, wrapping him in a tight embrace.

“I love you so much, Dorian.  I love you _so much_.”  Nicos leaned into Dorian’s embrace, resting his forehead on his shoulder again.

“I love you, too, Nicos.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy…” Dorian murmured, his lips at his new husband’s temple. 

Nicos sighed happily, finally letting his tears spill.  It started with a quiet sniffle, but soon the floodgates had opened and Dorian held him against his chest as he cried.  Nicos held onto Dorian as if his life depended on it, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt.  He let every emotion out, all his love, all his happiness, all his fear, and all his anger; they all came pouring out of him at once and Dorian simply held him, whispering quiet reassurances and gently rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…do that…” Nicos said, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Dorian tutted and made Nicos face him as he fixed his makeup for him.  “It’s quite all right, amatus.  No need to apologize.  I know this is a very stressful time; I’m impressed you held it in this long.”

Nicos let out a pathetic laugh.  “Come on, let’s go join the party before they start talking about us,” he said and quickly kissed Dorian on the cheek before pulling him along behind him.

Dorian pulled his amatus back and wrapped him in another tight embrace.  “They can manage without us a little longer.  I want to admire my new husband some more,” he said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

Nicos laughed, shaking his head and grabbing Dorian by the collar to pull him in for a deep kiss.  “Oh, all right.


End file.
